It's pride month!😱

 (Mehhhh ... I really want to write in English but I promised myself that I'd try to write in Burmese here🥺🥺)

တလောက Nope, I can't write this one in Burmese.

A while ago, I might or might not, in an impulse, confess to someone that I had a crush on him (I did!). Usually, my anticipated response is one of the following two; 

1. "I can't believe you have romantic feelings towards me. How could you do that? Don't talk to me anymore!" or 

2. "I'm sorry but I don't feel the same way, let's just be friends". 

Well... I'm a bit afraid I'd get the first response, but I had expected it, and I won't be as dejected as people think I would. If I get the second one, ah... I'd be overjoyed. I mean... I just like him as a person and maybe worship him a bit, but does that imply that I want to and have to go on little dates with him? No, Jesus, No! Casual conversation and friendly hugs are okay, but that? eh... nope! I'm not comfortable being intimate with anyone other than my babe. (What? You think I'm someone without any warmth and cosiness? Dream on!)

Wait, where was I? Oh yes. just when I was wracking my brain on how to smooth it over, he gave me a totally unexpected reply that kept my mouth open for 3 seconds. 

"I accept you"

Huh... Wha... What does that mean? A thousand stars exploded in my head, blinding me with the light, and leaving it blank. How am I supposed to react to that? 

Wait, why do I feel like I'm in those Western movies, coming out to my mom while desperately longing for an answer? 

He repeated again, "I accept your existence". Huh? What does my existence have to do with him? I will exist without his knowledge or acceptance. I don't need it. 

Of course, I didn't tell him that (it has no doubt roused something in me to write this). But it puzzled my head for a long time. Then, before I know it, it's June, the pride month. 

Whew, what an intro!

Til 2023, I was confused, wandering with some black cloth on my eyes (it's figurative speech. I didn't walk with a piece of black cloth in front of my eyes), about my gender expression and sexual orientation. My friends were coming out one after another like.. "Yay, I'm gay. I like men" or "Yay, I like women". That somewhat posed pressure on me to think about it. Hmm... What do I like? In all honesty, it felt like I was standing in a grocery store, pondering over candies and chocolates. But that wasn't this easy, you see. I had to make a statement and stay with that for the rest of my life (or I'd be like Demi Lovato😬). So I thought about it, but nothing came out. Of course, I had my crushes and stuff, but do I want to do that with him? Eww. No. All I want is to talk (mostly whine and complain about my life). Yeah.. talk until we have nothing more. (Maybe I just want a free therapist, I don't know)

Then I tried to date. I did. But whenever I was with him, I couldn't help but think of my very best friend (her face literally popped into my head. I felt guilty and not soon after that, I found myself already cut ties with my date). A truth shone upon me, that I don't like him and feel comfortable around him as much as I do with her. I was... shocked. Wait, am I gay?

I didn't know. Thinking about it gave me headaches, so I just left it at that. 

But I couldn't not think about it, you know, there is sort of like an unsaid rule that people should have self-awareness and stuff. So I pondered about it again. I wanted (and want) the power that men had (and have) and I am not really feminine (like walking in small steps and stuff) but I didn't want that dangling thing down there. I quite liked my body. Apart from bleeding 3 days a month (and the pain), it served me quite well. And I liked applying lipstick without being judged. Oh okay, that must be my gender. I didn't like being bound to one gender. So that should be called "non-binary"? (But whenever I fill out forms, I choose the option "women" to avoid pronoun complications. And I don't really say, "I am a non-binary" to people because I think it's just dramatic. I'm a non-binary, so what?)

I don't think about my sexual orientation because it makes things awkward. I don't need it anyway.

So.. Happy Pride Month! Just keep in mind that YOU will still exist with or without their approval or acceptance (but of course, their acceptance of you makes things a lot easier). And respect yourself before others do to you. 

Once, I told my friend that I thought my crush was gay (because he read bl novels). She told me that she felt so sorry for me. I said, "Huh, why?", because I don't care about gender, I really don't!

12/8/23 update: turns out him reading bl novels was a hugeee misunderstanding. it was his sister. now I kinda want to be friends with her. like asking her what novels she reads, Chinese? Korean? Western? graphic novels? or just texty bits? Somehow, I feel a bit sad that he's not gay. if he's gay, then I can throw those words "I accept you" back to him. (not that he needs them though..)